helikedmyshoes: (btvs + faith + faster pussycat kill)
I signed in to pole tonight because I really needed to go. I feel like everything is just out of control right now, between moving and the house being a mess and Adam and thinking about the future and what I want and what I need to do to get it (DATING sigh), and I just needed to go to class and be in control of my body and let the music take over.

It was amazing.

In the past few weeks I've really felt myself taking my dancing to a whole new level. Being upper level now means there are a ton more classes I can sub in to, which has been so beneficial. Because my class on Sunday was so small, I never really got a chance to watch anyone but 2 or 3 other girls dance, but in the last month or so I've taken a few make up classes with other upper levels and it's been so inspiring to watch and learn from them. I feel like I have so much more confidence in my dancing, like my body is finally my own after almost 9 months of this. This thing has been gestating inside and now it's finally starting to come out.

My teacher tonight, Michelle, told me my dancing is incredibly rich. She wants me to play around and flirt a little more, try out new things like shoes and outfits, really take it to another level. I'm excited to try it out. I love my regular teacher Julie, but I wish she'd give us feedback like I've had the other teachers do. I don't just want her to ask me how it felt, I want her to tell me what she saw, what she wants to see, what else I can do to improve. I'm gonna ask her if she can start, I feel like I'm at the point where I need that because I want to keep getting better.

I've finally started to feel comfortable enough to do inverted tricks during the dances. I did a snake dive and a pole cat tonight, took me a little while to get the rhythm of it but I finally have pole cat down (it's kinda like an upside down pushup on the pole. IT'S HARD). The Level 5 tricks are really going to test me because I'm still working on my flexibility. I know I'm so much more flexible now than when I started, it's just going to be something that I have to keep working on.

I used the song Daisy by Brand New tonight and it was so amazing. One of these days I'd like to video a dance and put it up. The song was short but it's got a grittiness to it that I really love. And the lyrics are amazing.

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows its face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say...

[Child Speaking]
I don't wanna be,
He wasn't finding anybody when he was on the shelf
I saw him in my dream

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run
I'm a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on...

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way

Anyway, that's the kind of mood I was in tonight. I feel like a contradiction, I feel like I'm a bird who's been told I'm a fish. I feel like my destiny isn't mine own and I have to get it back. I'm trying to take it back little by little.

I really need a pole dancing icon...
helikedmyshoes: (fnl + clear eyes full hearts)
Even though it's now 2010, I know I'm going to write '09 for the next month. I am slow on the uptake sometimes.

So. New Year. New Decade. Lots of newness all around. I've been thinking about my end of the year post for the last few days and it finally came to me at work today.

I don't really have anything flowery to say about this year. It was a year. There were good times and bad. Mostly nothing changed. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a little of both.

But since I'm older now, and can actually think in terms of decades, that's what I'm going to do. Things That Have Happened To Me in the Last Decade.


+ graduated high school
+ graduated college
+ took my first vacations without my parents
+ lived in, and traveled through, Europe
+ moved across the country all by myself
+ lived in LA for a year
+ moved halfway back across the country
+ made amazing friends in college whom I love and adore
+ fell in love
+ paid my own bills
+ lived by myself in my own apartment with my own things
+ got a tattoo
+ started poledancing!
+ grew the fuck up

I've learned so much about myself. There are things that I love and things that I hate and I'm trying to balance them in my personality. I think everything in my life comes back to balance. I am constantly striving for it in my life. It's a work in progress.

I don't really believe in resolutions. Well that's not entirely true: I don't believe in tangible resolutions. I don't buy the "I'm going to go to the gym 3 times a week!" and "I'm going to stop eating so badly" etc resolutions. I do, however, believe in more - spiritual? I guess that's as good a work as I'll find - spiritual resolutions. I made one once to slow down, my thoughts, my motions, everything. I carried that with me, and I still carry it to this day. I have to step back, take a breath, and let the moment wash over me for a minute. It's hard because I am always so go go go, but it's something that I am conscious of and am trying to work on changing.

This past year, I think it was grace. I have such a hard time with grace. Graceful, gracious. It's not something I'm good at, but I'm trying. My uncle said last year his was clarity. I like that, though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it means. Maybe being able to look at things objectively? Taking a step back and surveying before plunging in? I'll get back to you, I guess.

So. I'm kinda disappointed with this post, in my head it was much more eloquent. I blame fatigue. I guess I just wanted something to commemorate this day, this year, this decade. This year...close friends started getting married. This is a trend that picks up steam next year. / I was severely anemic and had to get a blood transfusion. / I got my heart broken a few times. / I started poledancing, fulfilling a dream I've had since I was a little girl (yep I'm weird, whatever) and getting a chance to morph my years of dance training into something that is really me. / I'm still lost and it's still okay. / I made it over the hill of my early twenties and landed on the plateau that is 26. I feel like there are decisions that have to be made somewhere off the horizon, but I'm not there yet so I'm not going to worry about them. At least not tonight.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, let alone this coming year, especially not this coming decade. All I know is tonight, I'm in a good place, in my heart and in my mind.

I guess that's all anyone can really ask for: being okay in this moment.

Grace. Clarity.

My feet smell like feet.


drove up to hillside manor
sometime after 2am
and talked a little while about the year
i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
makes you talk a little lower
about the things you could not show her

it's been alongdecember and there's reasontobelieve
maybe this year will. be. better. than. the last.
helikedmyshoes: (bsg + starbuck + i could do this all day)
I am hot, tired, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, pissed off, and I would really, really like to pummel someone until I can't move my arms anymore a la Starbuck.


give me
give me
give me
give me
give me
can't you just?
helikedmyshoes: (bsg + k/l + stay with me)

This is my first time.

01. Rocky Took a Lover / BellX1
He said "I'll shine for you / I'll burn for you / Yeah, I'll shine for you / that's what I'll do"

02. Your Heart is an Empty Room / Death Cab for Cutie
Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground / And start new when your heart is an empty room

03. A Rush of Blood to the Head / Coldplay
All the movements you're starting to make / See me crumble and fall on my face / And I know the mistakes that I made / See it all disappear without a trace

04. I Could Stay Away Forever / Snow Patrol
I could stay away forever if I tried / if I tried / if I

05. Bang Bang / Armchair Cynics
So let's make a mess / Tear up these sheets / Every whisper you speak sends shivers through me / Oh I go off like a gun

06. I Hope Your Heart Runs Empty / Neverending White Lights
Of any moment, ever stolen, don't take this one / As my heart runs empty now I realize / What I want would never surface otherwise / I hope your heart runs empty and you realize / Hold on to this hope

07. Pilots / Goldfrapp
It's just the sound of you and me / Time twitching / Murmurs of our friendly machine / We're pilots watching stars

08. Casting Aside / Rouge Traders
Cause I have fallen / From high places / And you don't know the / The way you touch me / I need one moment / To say you love me

09. Pretty Target / Levellers
I won't let you down / No I won't let you down / You're such a pretty target for this world to kick around

10. One More Night / Stars
He starts with her back / Cause that's what he sees / When she's breaking his heart / She still fucks like a tease

11. Combat Baby / Metric
No one here wants to fight me like you do / Combat baby / come back, baby

12. Leave the Pieces / The Wreckers
Don't concern yourself / With this mess you've left for me / I can clean it up, you see / Just as long as you're gone

13. Let's Trade Skins / Great Lake Swimmers
I’m hypnotized by the flicker / and saddened by the ash / And it's complicated with desires and dreams / With stitches and battle scars / pulling apart at the seams

14. Last Year's War / Sarah Slean
You're still bloody from last year's war / Your bandages, your bullet holes like mine / And I'm here with my stars out / You say you're scared / well so am I

15. I'll See Your Heart and I'll Raise You Mine / BellX1
and this time they hold their gaze for too long / Now they're playing poker / and this time it's the angel who says / "I'll see your heart and I'll raise you mine"
helikedmyshoes: (bsg + k/l + the gloves are off baby)
She says, "I always do the same things over and over."
helikedmyshoes: (misc + canoe)
I can't be near you
The light just radiates
helikedmyshoes: (tori + shame cause i was alone)
Photos from the past couple of days, last Wednesday right after the deep freeze and then after the snowstorm Sunday night.

[car windshield]
and i know i have been
driven like the snow

where the sea is the sky )
helikedmyshoes: (misc + flowers and cathedral)

Where the river cross
the lake
Where the words
Jump off my
pen and
into your pages

The Land in the Sky.

(this is why i love going home in the summer. there's no place like it in the whole world. and i lovelovelove my camera.)
helikedmyshoes: (pirates + i got lost on my wedding day)
This little masochist is ready to confess all the things that she never thought that she could feel.

Hey Jupiter....

helikedmyshoes: (tori + i'm aware what the rules are)
The trouble with love is-
helikedmyshoes: (tori + can't forget the things)
Every day
I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself
Every day
I crucify myself

My heart is sick of being in
She's living in

On the FLOOR
That Day




I have
crawled my way back

I have crawled my way back


On the floor that day
head in my hands
at your feet
and i have
crawled my way back


never again
every day
helikedmyshoes: (tori + songs are like tattoos)
There's a night life falling down on me
I just feel like a change

Beneath the sun in the summer
a sea of flowers won't bloom without the rain

But, oh, this desert life
This high life
Here at the dying end of the day

I fucking love this song something fierce. This album always reminds me of fall. This morning I heard the wind blowing softly through the trees outside my window, and it sounded like the way the fall wind blows, and it felt like fall, and it made me warm and achy and quiet.

I am excited to spend fall in a place where the leaves change and crunch under my feet and the air gets colder and everything gets quiet, waiting with bated breath for the first snowflake. I am excited to drink hot tea on a cold morning and look out the window and feel small and silent and at peace.
helikedmyshoes: (vm + v/l + my absorption lines are fraye)
so be it
i'm your crowbar
if that's what i am so far
til you get out of this mess
and i will pretend
that i don't know of your sins
until you are ready to confess
but all the time
all the time
i'll know

i'll know

I adore this song, and it's in my head, and I just wanted to try to get it out.

I watched Saved today, finally. Cute movie. Good time. Now I have Season One of Rescue Me to start.

This is really a gratuitous lyrics post masquerading as a movie post. And I need a little Logan and Veronica love in my life right now. So there ya go.
helikedmyshoes: (gg + watch them as they go sailing away)
I listened to this song the whole way home from work tonight, because it's so pretty and wistful and lonely, and it's been in my head for days haunting me, and I love and adore Nickel Creek and yeah. It's beautiful.


If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn't such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again
helikedmyshoes: (vm + we call this a clue)
Know what's funny? It occurred to me today that I couldn't remember whether I had changed my location on my userpage when I moved from Purchase to LaLaLand. It took about 9 months to change on MySpace because I am stubborn and was scared and could not admit that I was actually here, even though I was, you know, actually here.

So I mosied on over there today, and lo and behold, I had not. At first I refused to, and then I just forgot with the constant misery and 80 hour weeks and really, my heart was in New York, and that's what this place is, right? I changed it now, now that my time left is marked clearly on two monthly calendars, now that I don't have to stay, now that every time someone asks how many weeks are left I smile and am giddy and say, "not many." Perhaps a little "only when you let go of everything can you achieve anything"?

Man. This place never even stood a chance, huh?


I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
helikedmyshoes: (vm + v + stay strong little one)
and blisters on my feet.


what kind of life is this?
helikedmyshoes: (mr. show + nevinvever!)
You know what's awesome? Listening to my neighbors having sex. Loudly and directly below me. And it's too hot to close the windows.

People should not be getting laid if I'm not. Seriously.


On a different though not entirely unrelated note, Adam is still planning on coming out to visit. I need to make a trip to Target - it's time my friends learn how to play Trouble.


BSG is taking entirely too long. I may have to start watching Firefly in the meantime...I want to rewatch Star Wars, too. It's been far too long since I've seen my trilogy.


Caroline and I went to Zuma Beach today. It's north of Malibu, and just absolutely gorgeous. A welcome change from the overcrowded, dirty shores of Santa Monica.


it's alright
i'm okay
i think god can explain
i believe i'm the same
i get carried away

That song has been in my head all day.
helikedmyshoes: (vm + v/l + we are spinning and spinning)
All your life is such a shame shame shame.

All your love is just a dream dream dream.

Open up your eyes
You can see the flames flames flames of your wasted life

You should be ashamed
You should be ashamed
You should

You don't want to waste your life
the way I waste my life


I walk along these hillsides in the summer beneath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me


helikedmyshoes: (Default)

April 2011

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