helikedmyshoes

Even though it's now 2010, I know I'm going to write '09 for the next month. I am slow on the uptake sometimes.

So. New Year. New Decade. Lots of newness all around. I've been thinking about my end of the year post for the last few days and it finally came to me at work today.

I don't really have anything flowery to say about this year. It was a year. There were good times and bad. Mostly nothing changed. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a little of both.

But since I'm older now, and can actually think in terms of decades, that's what I'm going to do. Things That Have Happened To Me in the Last Decade.

Ready?

+ graduated high school
+ graduated college
+ took my first vacations without my parents
+ lived in, and traveled through, Europe
+ moved across the country all by myself
+ lived in LA for a year
+ moved halfway back across the country
+ made amazing friends in college whom I love and adore
+ fell in love
+ paid my own bills
+ lived by myself in my own apartment with my own things
+ got a tattoo
+ started poledancing!
+ grew the fuck up

I've learned so much about myself. There are things that I love and things that I hate and I'm trying to balance them in my personality. I think everything in my life comes back to balance. I am constantly striving for it in my life. It's a work in progress.

I don't really believe in resolutions. Well that's not entirely true: I don't believe in tangible resolutions. I don't buy the "I'm going to go to the gym 3 times a week!" and "I'm going to stop eating so badly" etc resolutions. I do, however, believe in more - spiritual? I guess that's as good a work as I'll find - spiritual resolutions. I made one once to slow down, my thoughts, my motions, everything. I carried that with me, and I still carry it to this day. I have to step back, take a breath, and let the moment wash over me for a minute. It's hard because I am always so go go go, but it's something that I am conscious of and am trying to work on changing.

This past year, I think it was grace. I have such a hard time with grace. Graceful, gracious. It's not something I'm good at, but I'm trying. My uncle said last year his was clarity. I like that, though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it means. Maybe being able to look at things objectively? Taking a step back and surveying before plunging in? I'll get back to you, I guess.

So. I'm kinda disappointed with this post, in my head it was much more eloquent. I blame fatigue. I guess I just wanted something to commemorate this day, this year, this decade. This year...close friends started getting married. This is a trend that picks up steam next year. / I was severely anemic and had to get a blood transfusion. / I got my heart broken a few times. / I started poledancing, fulfilling a dream I've had since I was a little girl (yep I'm weird, whatever) and getting a chance to morph my years of dance training into something that is really me. / I'm still lost and it's still okay. / I made it over the hill of my early twenties and landed on the plateau that is 26. I feel like there are decisions that have to be made somewhere off the horizon, but I'm not there yet so I'm not going to worry about them. At least not tonight.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, let alone this coming year, especially not this coming decade. All I know is tonight, I'm in a good place, in my heart and in my mind.

I guess that's all anyone can really ask for: being okay in this moment.

Grace. Clarity.

My feet smell like feet.

+

drove up to hillside manor
sometime after 2am
and talked a little while about the year
i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
makes you talk a little lower
about the things you could not show her

it's been alongdecember and there's reasontobelieve
maybe this year will. be. better. than. the last.

I did some shopping this evening because, well, I wanted to, and I just had to get out of the house because it's so frakking hot. I ended up with The Last Unicorn and The Complete Book of Essential Oils and Aromatherapy from Borders, some wallflower plug-ins from Bath and Body Works, Dollhouse Season One on blu ray from Best Buy, and my birth control.

I haven't actually seen any of Dollhouse, but I figured I'd give it a try, and I wanted to buy something at Best Buy since I had rewards certificates to use. I am pissed at Deep Discount DVD, I ordered the Battlestar Galactica Complete Series blu rays from them when they came out two weeks ago, and logged on today so see that they are back ordered. FRAKKERS. Way to send me an email to let me know. I'm annoyed, I want my pilots NOW!! (Not that I don't already have all seasons but 4.5 on DVD. That is not that point!)

I reread the Half Blood Prince and the Deathly Hallows and decided to start the series over from the very beginning, because I haven't read the first 5 books since they came out. I just finished Sorcerer's Stone and I love how much she has already set up. JK, I tip my hat to you. Starting Chamber of Secrets tonight as soon as my laundry is done and I can remake my bed. The house really needs to be cleaned in the morning.

I am having a Tori renaissance. I love it.

I wish I had the energy to take my bike, my iPod, and some wine to the beach tonight, but I am just too tired and fried from work this weekend. I think I will retire to my air conditioned bedroom with some Harry Potter and tea tree oil. My router is fucked so I can't bring my computer which is probably a good thing, so I can actually get some sleep tonight.

Well I got nothing done today that I wanted because I came home from lunch and laid down because I was tired and I never get to nap because I usually work 12 hour days with no time to go home in between. It was nice, but I had a lot to do around the house because it is pretty much a mess, and none of it got done. Luckily I am off tomorrow and have no plans other than probably being hungover from Blackjack at Adam's tonight, and I can definitely clean with a hangover.

I miss BSG. THIS interview just popped up of Jamie at the Jules Verne Festival and it made my heart hurt even as it soothed it. I love how he sees Lee, and Lee and Kara, and I love hearing him speak so intelligently about the character. Also, the man speaks fluent French. Good lord he is so frakking attractive. Anyway, for those out there still trying to heal, go watch the interview. At the end...he understands. She's his angel. Beautiful. I miss my pilots.

More and more Tori songs are leaking from the new album, and I am getting more excited for it. Give sounds fantastic, very Choirgirl/Venus. Welcome to England has been in my regular rotation. It's getting to be that time where I listen to Scarlet's Walk obsessively for a few weeks. That record always makes me think of spring for some reason, and seems to move through the seasons of summer and end in fall with Gold Dust. Yes, it is definitely time for some Tori taking over my life. I can't wait to see her in concert this summer.

I need to shower. I don't think Felicia is eating and I do not relish trying to feed her with a dropper like the doc showed me. She won't take it. Ugh. Most of the food was gone this morning though so maybe she just isn't hungry right now. She is definitely acting like her normal self a lot more than she was, so that's good. Abby still won't go near her. The two of them are on opposite corners of the bed right now, staring at each other warily. Weird.

My heart is full to bursting.

I am incredibly emotional today. Maybe because I fucking cried again last night. I am sick to death of this weepy sad mopey bullshit.

I don't know why this feels different from all the other times there was someone else in the picture. But it does. I literally cannot think of anything else and I am so raw and crazy and exhausted and my back is so tense that Jerry came over to massage it last night and I cried out in pain because I was so tense. I just want to leave my brain for a while. It must be really nice to not have feelings.

I get a 45 minute break during a 14 hour day. I will not cry at work I will not cry at work I will not cry at work.

Work sucks. I wanted to make $300 today. I don't think that's going to happen. Don't people know I have shiny things I want to buy?

Maybe we just need to not see each other for a while, and only talk on the phone like once a week. I don't know. I'm tired.

I have programed all my numbers into my phone that I was able to get my hands on. Still don't really know how to work it, but I know we're going to be great friends.

I have to be up in about 4 and a half hours to get on the train to get to Midway to get on a plane to go home. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Work tonight - I almost walked out. Julia is a cunt.

I will be home in 12 hours! (Weather permitting.)

I should be cleaning. I think I'm packed.

Adam bought me Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Worlds End on DVD for Christmas. I know how unhappy that made him (he is not a fan). It is beautiful and I am going to love it forever and ever. He also got me Black Books: The Complete Series and a picture of Darth Vader that will go next to my Revenge of the Jedi picture. I love presents!

So this is Christmas...

I woke up feeling really, incredibly alone.

I love days off.

I am in the process of cleaning my house. It feels good, it really needed it. I've been lazy and just been vacuuming (I have hardwood floors) and they really needed a good mop. Especially now with the kittens, I'm going to have to get better about cleaning.

Speaking of kittens, they are adorable. Having some problems with getting to use the litter box, though. They're pooping in it no problem but they've been peeing elsewhere. Specifically, my bed. Yeah, that was real pleasant. I moved them into the bathroom last night and when I cleaned the box out this morning they'd peed in it so maybe they're finally getting the hang of it. Currently they are passed out under the pillows on the futon. I could die of the cuteness.

Speaking of cuteness, please click here to see the cutest thing I've seen in a long time (second only to kittens!). Seriously, does that not make your heart melt?

Adam's dad came to visit for the past few days. They went to the Bears game on Sunday and Monday we got pizza and cookies and watched Hollywoodland, then yesterday we went to Target so Dan could buy Adam things (parents are the best), and I hit PetSmart for some more kitty essentials. We went to see The Brave One in the afternoon, which I really enjoyed, and then got subs and came home to watch Hot Fuzz. Lazy days. I love it.

Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. At least next week I'll get 3 days off as Comcast is coming in the afternoon to install my DVR on Monday so I won't be able to work. I'll miss the extra $50 but oh well. Then Rob is coming out to visit Monday night! His girlfriend Sue is coming out for work and he's tagging along as he is jobless at the moment. It'll be great to see him again, I can never have too much Rob in my life. Beer pong is already planned. And then next Friday is my birthday! I can't believe it's nearly here. Crazy. I'm getting old.

I want to leave off with something profound or witty or both but I'm drawing a blank.

My uncle had some very wise words for me the other day.

I told him I was in a rut. He said that's okay; ruts are okay. The thing to do in a rut is stick your hands out and feel the walls that surround you, feel them underneath your palms, embrace them and learn their curves - and then look up. Know that there are people who love you. Look up and see the open space above you and know that it's waiting for you to climb out and fill it.

Look up.