don't you think we oughta known by now?
Jan. 11th, 2010 01:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
helikedmyshoesPole today was really, really hard. It was physically challenging and exhausting, but it was also mentally exhausting too. My body was literally shaking at points, and I found it hard to keep my mind in the moment and focused on what I was doing.
I think I've got a lot of shit in my mind to work through and I let myself get lost in the music, which is okay, but I really want to try to keep my head in it and just let all that stuff go for two hours and be me and enjoy myself.
Today marked my fifth month of doing this and the change I see in my physical appearance is amazing, but the emotional confidence is lagging a bit. I don't think my dancing is suffering at all but I feel like I'm working through a rough patch without really doing any work. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing...
But yeah, today I chose Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer and it's a sexy song beat wise but damn it's a downer. I literally picture ball gowns and flames. I wanted something slow today so I could just slow down and breathe and move and not get worked up like something heavier or faster would get me. All through class today I almost felt like I was going through withdrawals.
It's weird because lately I've felt good, haven't really been worked up about things like I get sometimes. I guess it's almost like I've been cut off from my emotions, they still lurk but they haven't taken over my entire being. It feels good. I like when I'm like this. But I also know that this is cyclical and the pendulum will swing the other way and I will be an emotional mess again, so I am enjoying this while I can. But clearly there are things lurking, because even though I wasn't really thinking about anything or anyone specific today I was still uneasy. I don't want to poke the slumbering beast, and if my mind can work through it without me actually actively taking part I would be very much okay with that.
I just want to keep the baby demons at bay a little longer so I can have some peace.
I don't know if any of this is making sense but it's helped me a little. I should go to bed, I'm beat. As I said, class today was torture (we had a sub instructor and she was great and really pushed us which was needed, I feel like I am on the edge of something and I need a push to take it to the next level) and work this week has been long. I finally get two days off though! That hasn't happened since before Christmas. I have a lot to do.
I'm going to Italy in 5 weeks.
I need to majorly clean tomorrow. And maybe write?
I could talk about it but it's really not a big deal.
don't you think we oughta known by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
?
I think I've got a lot of shit in my mind to work through and I let myself get lost in the music, which is okay, but I really want to try to keep my head in it and just let all that stuff go for two hours and be me and enjoy myself.
Today marked my fifth month of doing this and the change I see in my physical appearance is amazing, but the emotional confidence is lagging a bit. I don't think my dancing is suffering at all but I feel like I'm working through a rough patch without really doing any work. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing...
But yeah, today I chose Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer and it's a sexy song beat wise but damn it's a downer. I literally picture ball gowns and flames. I wanted something slow today so I could just slow down and breathe and move and not get worked up like something heavier or faster would get me. All through class today I almost felt like I was going through withdrawals.
It's weird because lately I've felt good, haven't really been worked up about things like I get sometimes. I guess it's almost like I've been cut off from my emotions, they still lurk but they haven't taken over my entire being. It feels good. I like when I'm like this. But I also know that this is cyclical and the pendulum will swing the other way and I will be an emotional mess again, so I am enjoying this while I can. But clearly there are things lurking, because even though I wasn't really thinking about anything or anyone specific today I was still uneasy. I don't want to poke the slumbering beast, and if my mind can work through it without me actually actively taking part I would be very much okay with that.
I just want to keep the baby demons at bay a little longer so I can have some peace.
I don't know if any of this is making sense but it's helped me a little. I should go to bed, I'm beat. As I said, class today was torture (we had a sub instructor and she was great and really pushed us which was needed, I feel like I am on the edge of something and I need a push to take it to the next level) and work this week has been long. I finally get two days off though! That hasn't happened since before Christmas. I have a lot to do.
I'm going to Italy in 5 weeks.
I need to majorly clean tomorrow. And maybe write?
I could talk about it but it's really not a big deal.
don't you think we oughta known by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
?
