helikedmyshoes: (fnl + clear eyes full hearts)
Even though it's now 2010, I know I'm going to write '09 for the next month. I am slow on the uptake sometimes.

So. New Year. New Decade. Lots of newness all around. I've been thinking about my end of the year post for the last few days and it finally came to me at work today.

I don't really have anything flowery to say about this year. It was a year. There were good times and bad. Mostly nothing changed. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a little of both.

But since I'm older now, and can actually think in terms of decades, that's what I'm going to do. Things That Have Happened To Me in the Last Decade.

Ready?

+ graduated high school
+ graduated college
+ took my first vacations without my parents
+ lived in, and traveled through, Europe
+ moved across the country all by myself
+ lived in LA for a year
+ moved halfway back across the country
+ made amazing friends in college whom I love and adore
+ fell in love
+ paid my own bills
+ lived by myself in my own apartment with my own things
+ got a tattoo
+ started poledancing!
+ grew the fuck up

I've learned so much about myself. There are things that I love and things that I hate and I'm trying to balance them in my personality. I think everything in my life comes back to balance. I am constantly striving for it in my life. It's a work in progress.

I don't really believe in resolutions. Well that's not entirely true: I don't believe in tangible resolutions. I don't buy the "I'm going to go to the gym 3 times a week!" and "I'm going to stop eating so badly" etc resolutions. I do, however, believe in more - spiritual? I guess that's as good a work as I'll find - spiritual resolutions. I made one once to slow down, my thoughts, my motions, everything. I carried that with me, and I still carry it to this day. I have to step back, take a breath, and let the moment wash over me for a minute. It's hard because I am always so go go go, but it's something that I am conscious of and am trying to work on changing.

This past year, I think it was grace. I have such a hard time with grace. Graceful, gracious. It's not something I'm good at, but I'm trying. My uncle said last year his was clarity. I like that, though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it means. Maybe being able to look at things objectively? Taking a step back and surveying before plunging in? I'll get back to you, I guess.

So. I'm kinda disappointed with this post, in my head it was much more eloquent. I blame fatigue. I guess I just wanted something to commemorate this day, this year, this decade. This year...close friends started getting married. This is a trend that picks up steam next year. / I was severely anemic and had to get a blood transfusion. / I got my heart broken a few times. / I started poledancing, fulfilling a dream I've had since I was a little girl (yep I'm weird, whatever) and getting a chance to morph my years of dance training into something that is really me. / I'm still lost and it's still okay. / I made it over the hill of my early twenties and landed on the plateau that is 26. I feel like there are decisions that have to be made somewhere off the horizon, but I'm not there yet so I'm not going to worry about them. At least not tonight.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, let alone this coming year, especially not this coming decade. All I know is tonight, I'm in a good place, in my heart and in my mind.

I guess that's all anyone can really ask for: being okay in this moment.

Grace. Clarity.

My feet smell like feet.

+

drove up to hillside manor
sometime after 2am
and talked a little while about the year
i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
makes you talk a little lower
about the things you could not show her

it's been alongdecember and there's reasontobelieve
maybe this year will. be. better. than. the last.
helikedmyshoes: (misc + signs + post no bills)
I am so good at being an addict.
helikedmyshoes: (tori + king solomon's mines)
A question to ponder over the weekend- think it over and get back to me.

If you had a time machine, and could go into the future - YOUR future - and see what was going on, what it was like, where you end up, etc. - BUT you wouldn't be able to change a thing even armed with that knowledge (kinda like reading the last chapter of a book when you're only half way through), would you do it? Would you want to know, if there was no hope of changing it?

I'm very curious! Y/N and why?
helikedmyshoes: (btvs + buffy + light up light up)
There will be other lives.

There will be other lives for nervous boys with sweaty palms, for bittersweet fumblings in the backseats of cars, for caps and gowns in royal blue and crimson, for mothers clasping pretty pearl necklaces around daughters' unlined necks, for your full name read aloud in an auditorium, for brand-new suitcases transporting you to strange new people in strange new lands.

And there will be other lives for unpaid debts, for one-night stands, for Prague and Paris, for painful shoes with pointy toes, for indecision and revisions.

And there will be other lives for fathers walking daughters down aisles.

And there will be other lives for sweet babies with skin like milk.

And there will be other lives for a man you don't recognize, for a face in a mirror that is no longer yours, for the funerals of intimates, for shrinking, for teeth that fall out, for hair on your chin, for forgetting everything. Everything.

Oh, there are so many lives. How we wish we could live them concurrently instead of one by one by one. We could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls.

But that's not how it works.

A human's life is a beautiful mess.

- Elsewhere - Gabrielle Zevin
helikedmyshoes: (Default)
My uncle had some very wise words for me the other day.

I told him I was in a rut. He said that's okay; ruts are okay. The thing to do in a rut is stick your hands out and feel the walls that surround you, feel them underneath your palms, embrace them and learn their curves - and then look up. Know that there are people who love you. Look up and see the open space above you and know that it's waiting for you to climb out and fill it.

Look up.
helikedmyshoes: (misc + signs + post no bills)
i know this will sound glib,
but don't pretend you aren't feeling what you feel.
that's how things slide into hell.
feelings are facts.

-the sparrow, by mary doria russell
helikedmyshoes: (vm + what is logan doing right now?)
I always think of things to put in memes like this at random times and then can never remember what they are. I don't know what's sadder - that my memory sucks or that I even think about memes at all.

The lovely [livejournal.com profile] _venus_ tagged me.

Post to your journal with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. Those who get tagged need to blog your own journal with those 10 weird things/habits/little known facts. Then chose 6 people to be tagged and list their LJ names. No tag backs...

1. My two big toes are different. My right toe is my dad's and my left toe is my mom's. I don't remember the first time I noticed but it always amuses me that obviously my DNA couldn't decide which was better and gave me one of each.

2. Sometimes I wish I was a musician because I FEEL music so deeply. The basis on which I judge most music is how much it moved me, not how good I think it is. Whenever I hear it there's a corner of my brain that just goes into dancer mode and moves to the beat and then I realize how much I miss dancing.

3. I miss a lot of the things I used to do when I was a kid: horseback riding, dancing, tennis, karate, skiing. I always just took them for granted because my parents always just gave them to me, sometimes without me even wanting them but being happy that they were there, which is why I think now that I just expect people to give me things, especially the things that I want.

4. I want to get married, but not until I'm at least 30. Different people have told me they figured I was one of those people who never wanted to get married, which is surprising because it's something I've always seen myself doing. At first I was kind of hurt when they said it because I don't think I've ever said anything to give reason to believe I don't believe in marriage, but I guess it never really came up in conversation, and maybe my not being interested in dating fueled that fire. I also believe that marriage can be what you make it, that people can have their own beliefs on what it is and should be, and that it is YOURS and no one else's. Also, I want a really big engagement ring.

5. I have no problem writing conversations and fights between characters, but when it comes to arguing with actual people I always freeze up and never know what I want to say until days later when I've replayed the conversation over in my mind. I don't know why this is; I don't know why I can't identify what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it and articulate that to the person I'm fighting with.

6. I don't think I believe in God, at least not the god of organized religion. My religion is balance. Bad things happen, good things happen, and neither one can go on for too long without the other coming in to either ease or increase the pain. You take what comes and always remember that it can always get worse, and that it will get better.

7. I am an incredibly jealous person and I don't like sharing.

8. I like having sex with girls but I could never date one. I don't know if that makes me bisexual or just a greedy bitch.

9. I loveloveLOVE when a movie or a show I see touches me so deeply that I can't stop thinking about it for months afterwards. Star Wars, Moulin Rouge, Buffy. I love STORIES, and sometimes I love the cliched ones most of all.

10. Usually the first thing I notice on a person after their face is whether they're wearing a wedding ring or not. I don't know WHY, but it's been that way for years.

Tagging whoever feels like sharing.

+

Adam watched the S1 finale of VM last night with me. He was not impressed. I told him it all just goes downhill from there anyway.

Bandera called yesterday and asked if they could move my last day of training to Thursday instead of today. Apparently a bunch of people are out of town so I wouldn't have a trainer, and all the shifts are covered for the week anyway so they won't even need me til at least the weekend. I told her I have friends coming into town on Thursday and she said I could just start Monday then. Assuming I pass my last tests and waiting on the GM, that is. But that means I can hang with the boys and Chelsea a lot AND we can hopefully throw our Super Bowl party on Sunday.

I really need to start making money. It's been 5 months since I've worked full time. I like being a bum but I look forward to getting into a routine and getting that adrenaline surge from working once more. Plus I really want to go shopping.

I'm still gathering my thoughts, there are things that have been going down lately that I don't really know what to make of. I'm kind of just standing back and observing for now, trying to stay out of the line of fire even though I feel like I'm right in the middle and maybe even the cause for a bunch of them. I wish I could say I felt bad about it. I don't.

Getting laid would be REALLY nice.

I feel like there is something I have not said, but I can't for the life of me think of what it is. I'm going to the gym now, then to sit in Borders and study, then perhaps Adam and I are getting dinner and perhaps I am going to his show. Maybe I'll call Anna and see if she wants to grab a drink later.

OH HEY. Can someone hook me up with John Mayer's song Gravity? We watched House 3.02 the other night and it was playing at the end and now I can't get it out of my head. There's another gravity song that is in rotation with that one, by Embrace.

Maybe that's what's been weighing me down so much lately.
helikedmyshoes: (Default)
My beloved Danielle left this comment on my myspace and I thought I would share it because I am very amused. Her boyfriend is a manager at Les Deux and she went there to celebrate her birthday the other night. I'll let her tell you the rest:

I wish you were here too!! Not only did you miss out on yummy pasta, raspberry kamikazi shots and champagne, but we also scoped out Ms. Spears...drunk, puking in the main room...and snorting some unidentified white powder. Seems that K-Fed just might have a chance at custody!! Lol. Come back!! You know you want to...:-)

What a sight that must've been.

[ ]

I took this test, sent to me by my high school English teacher. Tests like this sometimes surprise me, because I think they're silly but there's usually one answer that makes me stop and go, "yes." This time it was in response to "write one word that describes each of the following" and for sea I wrote sailing. According to the test this description implies my own life. Which is obviously exactly what I've been doing for the past year and a half.

One day I will put down anchor somewhere.

if those harbor lights had just been a half a mile inland
who knows what I would have done?

OWW.

Jan. 1st, 2007 09:16 am
helikedmyshoes: (Default)
The entire right side of my chest from throat to beneath my ribcage is KILLING ME, every time I inhale and exhale it feels like someone is shoving a knife in and splitting me open. It almost feels as though something is lodged in it, like when you get a hard candy stuck in the back of your throat. I have no health insurance - I can't go to the doctor. This has never happened before, I have no idea what could be causing it. I was crying when Adam woke up, out of pain and exhaustion and frustration.

The pain woke me up at around 5:30, after I'd fallen asleep at 4 following a night at work that got progressively worse as it unfolded, climaxing rather spectacularly with two of my three tables not leaving me a penny and a girl getting hit by a car outside the club. And now I can't breathe, and I am supposed to go in to the new bar I hope to start working in today at 4 to work the Rose Bowl game. I am running on an hour and a half of sleep, can't breathe, and am going to have words with my boss later today about what happened last night.

Happy effin New Year.

(I really hope it gets better from here.)

As for 2006, I will first do what I do every year and quote Tori:

they say you were something in those formative years
hold onto nothing as fast as you can!-

well.
still.
pretty good year.


2006 had a lot of heights and a lot of lows that balanced each other out pretty perfectly. There was my nightmarish 2 job no sleep no happiness months which led to lots of vacations and seeing the people I love as mch as I could. There was LA that taught me so much, including that it's okay to change your mind and that changing your mind doesn't mean giving up, which led to Chicago and being 23 which is older than 22 but makes me feel younger and freer. There was work work work for nine months straight, six of those nine working 80 hours a week, which led to not working at all for three months straight and feeling younger and freer.

That's how I would catalog 2006 - the year of balance, of misery and happiness, of figuring out how to be an adult and a kid at the same time, of standing up for myself and saying "this is what I'm doing now and I don't care if you don't like it." I started out living this year for other people and ended it living for me, on my own terms, and I am very proud of myself. I feel older and wiser and a little more peaceful.

There really is something about misery that motivates me, and the levels I can endure go deeper than what my love life has put me through, in a different way; a place where there's not just one person to blame, which makes it a place that I can claw my way out of by making changes and not having to rely on someone else to decide the fate of my world. I think that is a very important lesson - there are things in the world bigger than love. That's one of the most important things LA taught me: things that can hurt me don't always involve the boys I love. My view can get awfully narrow sometimes, and I am thankful for this new persepctive.

2006 was a good year despite, or maybe because of, all that. But that's the way it goes, isn't it? You can't truly appreciate something until you've been without it.

I will never regret moving to LA and am thankful for all it taught me. But man. It's good to be out.

So long, 2006. And thanks for all the fish.
helikedmyshoes: (gg + watch them as they go sailing away)
While packing, I stumbled across all my old college acceptance letters. Bard, Ithaca, Hunter, Binghamton, Albany. What would my life been like? I can't even begin to imagine.

Beneath those were recommendation letters and AP scores and guidance counselor signatures and entrance essays and housing info from Purchase. It all seems so very far away now, lifetimes ago. God, looking back, when I was filling out those applications and writing those essays, I never thought I'd be where I am today. I don't think I really thought about it at all. It was all about the doing, the process, the art of finishing something I started, and then after the finishing would come whatever I had to tackle next. There are never endings, there's only the next thing. And here is my next thing, packing up my life yet again, making another big move. So many moves over the last few years. First school, then LA, now Chicago.

I never ever want to stop learning.

It's funny, looking back at this stuff, I'm not thinking about my time at Purchase, about my friends and my experiences and my classes and my life there. I'm thinking about before that, when I was a high school senior who had finally figured out what she wanted to do, who had so many choices and so many potential paths laid out in front of her with block-lettered stationary and scholarship options.

And I see how my choices narrowed as the scholarships weren't enough, and how I looked at going to Purchase as settling, and how I didn't even care after that, how it felt like the choice had been taken away from me by circumstances beyond my control. And I think, sometimes - well, in this case anyway - that's not such a bad thing. Sometimes you need to have the big choices made for you, because it's in the aftermath that you really learn and thrive and realize that this is what you needed all along. Sometimes life's funny, the way it works out. Or doesn't work out.

It's comforting to me, finding these things now, because I feel very much like I felt then. Like I never made a choice when I decided to leave LA and go to Chicago, like it was inevitable, like there was no point in fighting because there was nothing to fight. It was just something I knew I was going to do, and maybe I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, or maybe I don't yet know the reasons, or maybe I don't need any reasons at all.

I feel like, once again, I have so many choices and so many potential paths, and it's exciting and scary to see where they'll lead and what I'll do next. I am a creature of habit, but I also seem to enjoy these huge life altering changes, and, as in everything, I think it is just another way for me to find balance between familiar and new. I am scared, I am elated, I am going to be okay.

Also, in high school I weighed 109lbs.
helikedmyshoes: (misc + flowers and cathedral)
No one is making any noise in the house.

Today is a peaceful, quiet kind of day. It's not really a deep thought kind of day, just maybe a grateful one. A compassionate one. I don't know how to describe this feeling inside me. I've been reading and...well, it's amazing to me what people go through, survive through. What it means to be alive and keep going because there is no other choice. And I am grateful for being able to know about it, to read what was so obviously painful to go through and probably even more painful to put down on paper for strangers to see.

I feel very much in awe, and humbled. Quiet and filled with light.

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